Throughout my years of being single, I’ve often made a point to be very introspective while searching for more and more high quality content for personal growth. I’ve even read multiple books for married couples just because I find the topic fascinating but also because I prefer to learn from other people’s mistakes. Who could blame me for that!? Nevertheless, when I first read the principles of tough love for singles, it really helped me grasp some important concepts that have affected human relationships throughout history.
As a result, I considered how naive I’ve been and how much I need to mature. That is why I have dedicated my life to being a perpetual student while learning to ask “the right questions”.
Our culture and how we proceed with relationships can make this challenging. But one undeniable fact to finding love is learning how to be desirable while also being true to ourselves.
Introduction
During my search, I read this great article that really shed light on something I’ve had to focus on personally. You might say I’m kind of a simple guy and I don’t find value in hiding my feelings but that hasn’t helped me when I have a desire to meet a woman I am VERY attracted to. I’m sure the initial amygdala high-jacking is caused by lust and a long standing, yet very distilled version of the type of woman I’ve been holding out for.
Nevertheless, none of this has helped me to acquire that which I desire, I’ve found the prevailing truth of “curbing your enthusiasm” has been a notable theme. Not only in my life but for everyone else too. I’ve often thought these occasions were prompted by people who are self-centered, incapable of finding significance in other people, but it turns out that’s not always the case. As much as we want to figure people out and place them into boxes, we are sometimes more alike than we wish to be.
The great article I’m referring to has been one I saved and placed in my calendar to read every year on this same exact date. And while some of you may think that’s corny, I know that I am a romantic at heart and finding love is worth the effort even when it comes to conditioning my mind to grasp this principle.
You’ll find a unique characteristic in this particular article because it touches on a key element in the way all humans interact on a relational level. Whether you are single or married, young or old, you’ll find something of value here as I have. In fact, you might even do what I have done and make it an annual tradition to read it.
This article was originally written by James Dobson, Ph.D. “The Principles of Tough Love for Singles”. The article is no longer found online, luckily I saved it!… Enjoy!
The Enduring Principle of Desire and Value
I attempted to explain the “how to” of this recommendation during the mid-1970s when I was writing What Wives Wish Their Husbands Knew About Women. The concepts I was formulating then have withstood intensive scrutiny and provide the foundation for the material you are reading. This is what I wrote: It is of highest priority to maintain a distinct element of dignity and self-respect in all romantic encounters.
The Importance of Dignity in Romantic Relationships
I have observed that many relationships suffer from a failure to recognize a universal characteristic of human nature. We value that which we are fortunate to get; we discredit that with which we are stuck! We lust for the very thing which is beyond our grasp; we disdain that same item when it becomes a permanent possession. No toy is ever as much fun to play with as it appeared to a wide-eyed child in a store. Seldom does an expensive automobile provide the satisfaction anticipated by the man who dreamed of its ownership.
This principle is even more dramatically accurate in romantic affairs, particularly with reference to men. Let’s look at the extreme case of a Don Juan, the perpetual lover who buzzes from one feminine flower to another.
Understanding Human Nature: The Value of Pursuit
Don Juan’s heart throbs and pants after the elusive princess who drops her glass slipper as she flees. Every ounce of energy is focused on her capture. However, the intensity of his desire is dependent on her unavailability. The moment his passionate dream materializes, he begins to ask himself, “Is this what I really want?” Farther down the line as the relationship progresses toward the routine circumstances of everyday life, he is attracted by new princesses and begins to wonder how he can escape the older model.
The Don Juan Syndrome: Desire and Unavailability
Now, I would not imply that all men, or even the majority of them, are as exploitative and impermanent as the gadabout I described. But to a lesser degree, most men and women are impelled by the same urges. How many times have I seen a bored, tired relationship become a torrent of desire and longing the moment one partner rejects the other and walks out. After years of apathy, the “dumpee” suddenly burns with romantic desire and desperate hope.
The Universal Nature of Romantic Longing
This principle hits even closer to home for me at this moment. Right now, as I am writing these words, I am sitting in the waiting room of a large hospital while my wife is undergoing major abdominal surgery. I am writing to ease my tension and anxiety.
While I have always been close to Shirley, my appreciation and tender love for her are maximal this morning. Less than five minutes ago, a surgeon emerged from the operating room with a grim face, informing the man near me that his wife is consumed with cancer. He spoke in unguarded terms of the unfavorable pathological report and the malignant infestation. I will be speaking to Shirley’s surgeon within the hour and my vulnerability is keenly felt.
While my love for my wife has never flagged through our 14 years together, it has rarely been as intense as in this moment of threat. You see, not only are our emotions affected by the challenge of pursuit, but also by the possibility of irrevocable loss. (The surgeon arrived as I was writing the sentence above, saying my wife came through the operation with no complications, and the pathologist recognized no abnormal tissue. I am indeed a grateful man! My deepest sympathy is with the less fortunate family whose tragedy I witnessed today.)
How Loss and Threat Intensify Love
A better example of fickle emotions is illustrated by my early relationship with Shirley. When we first met, she was a lowly sophomore in college and I was a lofty senior. I viewed myself as a big man on campus, and my relationship with this young coed mattered little to me. She, in turn, had been very successful with boys, and was greatly challenged by the independence I demonstrated. She wanted to win me primarily because she wasn’t sure she could, but her enthusiasm inhibited my own interest in return.
After graduation, we had one of those lengthy conversations well known to lovers the world over, when I said I wanted her to date other fellows while I was in the Army because I didn’t plan to get married soon. I’ll never forget her reaction. I expected Shirley to cry and hold on to me. Instead, she said, “I’ve been thinking the same thoughts, and I would like to date other guys. Why don’t we just go our separate ways, for now?” Her answer rocked me.
For the first time in our relationship, she was moving away from me. What I didn’t know was that Shirley stoically closed her front door and then cried all night.
A Personal Reflection: Love in the Face of Uncertainty
I went away to the Army and returned to the University of Southern California for my graduate training. By this time, Shirley was an exalted senior and I was a collegiate has-been. She was homecoming queen, senior class president, a member of Who’s Who in American Colleges and Universities, and one of the most popular girls in her class. And as might be expected, she suddenly looked very attractive to me.
I began to call several times a day, complain about who she was spending her time with, and try to find ways to please my dream girl. However, the moment Shirley saw my enthusiasm and anxiety, her affection began to die. Gone was the challenge which had attracted her two years before. Instead, I had become just another fellow pounding on her door and asking for favors.
Lessons from My Early Relationship with Shirley
One day after a particularly uninspiring date, I sat down at a desk and spent two solid hours thinking about what was happening. And during the course of the introspection, I realized the mistake I was making. A light flashed in my head and I grabbed a pen and wrote 10 changes I was going to make in our relationship.
First, I was determined to demonstrate self-respect and dignity, even if I lost the one I now loved so deeply. Second, I decided to convey this attitude every time I got the chance: “I am going somewhere in life, and I’m anxious to get there. I love you and hope you choose to go with me. If you do, I’ll give myself to you and try to make you happy.
However, if you choose not to make the journey with me, then I can’t force my will on you. The decision is yours, and I’ll accept it.” There were other elements to my new manner, but they all centered around self-confidence and independence.
The Turning Point: Rediscovering Self-Respect
The first night that I applied the new formula was one of the most thrilling experiences of my life. The girl who is now my wife saw me starting to slip away on that evening, and she reacted with alarm. We were riding in silence in my car, and Shirley asked me to pull over to the curb and stop. When I did she put her arms around my neck and said, “I’m afraid I’m losing you and I don’t know why. Do you still love me?”
I noticed by the reflected light of the moon that she had tears in her eyes. She obviously didn’t hear my thumping heart as I made a little speech about my solitary journey in life. You see, I had reestablished the challenge for Shirley, and she responded beautifully.
The Power of Challenge and Independence in Love
The psychological force which produced our see-saw relationship is an important one, since it is almost universal in human nature. Forgive the redundancy, but I must restate the principle: We crave that which we can’t attain, but we disrespect that which we can’t escape. This axiom is particularly relevant in romantic matters, and has probably influenced your love life, too.
Conclusion: Applying the Principle to Your Own Relationships
Now that you read this great article, I encourage you to maintain that mindful attitude to continue to grow and develop a genuine desire to care about people while learning new skills to cultivate more enjoyable relationships. Having success in all of our relationships is a byproduct of obtaining the knowledge we so desperately need and then properly applying it at just the right time.
If you’re interested in staying on this journey to personal growth I encourage you to check out this video series. It might just be the best thing you’ve done all year!
